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Ghost (Fic: Being Erica, Er/Et, Drabble)

I wrote this one for the Help Japan Drabble Tree challenge at 5_prompts, branching off of a drabble about a dream that seemed real. It's set just after the "Ghost" montage from 2x12, "The Importance of Being Erica". And yes, I'm aware my icon is Erica/Kai even though this is Erica/Ethan. ;)



She's had other dreams like this. For years, though she'd never let herself admit it before their reunion, before the kiss, she'd dreamed of him and what it would feel like to be with him.

She dreamed of him waking her with a kiss on her lips, long and lingering and slow. She dreamed of his hands on her skin, under her shirt, over her stomach, up to her breasts. She dreamed of his hands in her hair, stroking and tangling and twining.

Even now, even after she's been with him, finally been with him after fifteen years of refusing to admit she wanted him, she dreams of these things. She swears she feels his knees at her hips as he straddles her, leaning down to kiss her out of sleep after a demanding day at River Rock, his fingers on skin left exposed by the shirt she sleeps in.

She swears she can feel him.

But when she wakes up, it is to a pillow stained with salty wetness and smeared, day-old makeup. It is to muscles cramped from being curled into a ball all night. It is to eyes sore from crying and hands outstretched, as if to make him come back. It is waking up from a reality she knows she shouldn't want--everything she said to him is true; he is holding her back--but, irrationally, does.

She has to close her eyes, wanting, if just for a minute, that fleeting image of him. Wanting to pretend it's her reality. But it was only a dream, though it had seemed so real.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
kilodalton
Mar. 27th, 2011 06:00 am (UTC)
Awww poor Erica =( Nicely done!!

And I ship Erica/Kai hard, so I love the icon!! (Can't get into Erica/Adam =/)
haveloved
Mar. 27th, 2011 11:53 am (UTC)
I'm one of the biggest Erica/Kai shippers imaginable; I was in waterfalls of tears both times he came back! I can't get behind Erica/Adam, either; their chemistry has just felt rushed and forced to me. :/
in48frames
Mar. 29th, 2011 02:23 am (UTC)
So sad. I know the feeling!

Beautifully written. :)
atatteredrose
Nov. 21st, 2011 07:50 am (UTC)
This is lovely! It's very true to life that even if they WERE just friends, all those years, it's natural to wonder, to sometimes dream about what could be, if the taboo was crossed and they took the friendship to another level...

It's also something very true to Erica's personality, and it's elegantly expressed here - how she spent so much of her life living in her dreams, and now that T3 is ripping her forwards, she's still reaching backwards, clinging to her old ways, her old tendencies, and the way people used to look at her before she did things like tell her best friend/boyfriend that he wasn't right for her at all. \o/
haveloved
Nov. 22nd, 2011 04:02 am (UTC)
I think Erica definitely had some buried feelings, ones she'd wanted to express for a long time--the suddenness of their first kiss always seemed to speak to that, IMO, as did the tenderness of her recollection about the mailman dream. She definitely had some feelings for him that she tried to keep buried, I always felt!

I also think she had the tendency to try and reach backwards a bit during therapy--the example that comes to mind is the way she hung on to being able to see Leo whenever she was in the past. I wish we'd seen a touch more of her getting over Ethan, especially when she was grappling with losing Kai to the future at the same time--I don't think it would have been quite so easy for her!
atatteredrose
Nov. 23rd, 2011 07:32 am (UTC)
Brain!Fail - what mailman dream?

I really really want to believe that she and Ethan really were just great friends, after maybe a couple months of attraction at the beginning D: But there are hints that it was a bit more complicated - though at least she seems to be entirely past it now, or sending Ethan off to Africa would have been quite different. *zips to put Toto on*

Given the type of problems she was having post-Ethan, I'd say she got over him when she got distracted by other things, and Ethan wasn't the ONLY conceivable possibility. (Was it at this point that she ran into Ryan? And that juice guy she almost slept with)
haveloved
Nov. 24th, 2011 02:08 am (UTC)
Hee, it's okay--I have moments like that, too! The mailman dream is mentioned in 1x03, just prior to the kiss.

Erica: Do you remember when we were roommates in third year and you had the nightmare about the letters?
Ethan: Oh, God…
Erica: It was so cute. It took me, like, ten minutes to realize that you were sleeping. I had no idea why, suddenly, you thought you were a mailman and standing in my room.
Ethan: Please, don’t.
Erica: And, I mean, I took you back to your bed and I assured you that everything was going to be okay. People were gonna get their mail. And then you went back to bed.


I think they really were great friends, after that initial sexual tension was over. I think Erica's feelings became a bit more complicated as she got older, but I think that for the majority of those years following university, they were just two opposite-sex friends who happened to be close. And yes, I do think she ran into Ryan after she got over him, if I'm remembering right? I'd have to check the dates of the episodes again to be sure, but I think that's right.
atatteredrose
Nov. 26th, 2011 09:07 am (UTC)
OMG I forgot all about that scene! Which is adorable (and I've had a few of those stories myself...) and exactly telling of the sort of caring friendship relationship they had...

A bit of a weird time to bring it up though, if it had no sexual connotations at the time, and was meant to evoke feelings humour, trust, and well, intimacy, so okay, I see where it was heading. Still, I think you hit it with her feelings getting progressively more complicated as time passed. In uni she had serial boyfriends and the future was bright and open. But as doors started to shut, it's natural to look back at what you had, and wonder.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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