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I don't even know what this is; I seriously don't. Actually, I do know, it's me avoiding studying by filling a prompt from the meme. Because Sherlock and scones just sounded like a good idea to me. The promptSherlock is angry at Mycroft because Mycroft doesn't bake any more. He wants those scones, damn it!

The recipe I stared at for inspiration and baking advice is here. Feedback is much obliged; humor is a bit of a foreign concept in my fic-writing. ;)


My Kingdom for a Scone

When you live with the St. Bart’s chemistry lab’s equivalent of a mad scientist, it’s nigh-guaranteed that you will walk in, one day, on what the denizens of said lab have officially designated “scary shit.” John Watson had been prepped for this by many people—Stamford, to begin with, and then a few others who’d cornered him after the word had spread that Sherlock Holmes had moved in with John Watson.

After nearly a month of living together, John has reached the conclusion he’s seen it all. The severed head in the fridge—still there. Eyeballs in the microwave—also still there. Fingers in jam jars—left corner of the fridge’s top shelf. Even as a medical doctor, it’s a bit unnerving.

Unnerving, though, is not nearly a strong enough word to describe the sight of Sherlock Holmes in an apron. No, John’s not even sure there are words for that.

It’s what he finds when he comes home from a decidedly normal day at work, one that had gone smoothly, no interruptions from Scotland Yard personnel come to whisk him off to a crime scene. Sarah had seemed fairly happy about that. The normalcy of any one day, he now finds, can be undermined so quickly by a sight such as this.

Sherlock is standing in the flat’s tiny kitchen, in a decidedly frilly pink apron, flour smeared on his cheek and even, it looks like, in his hair. He’s holding a bowl in one hand, whisking with the other, and John has to drop his briefcase to the floor in order to get his attention. Sherlock looks up, annoyed, evidently more at being interrupted than being found out. No, he seems perfectly content to be baking.

John ups the scary shit tally by one (they seem to have reached the upper vicinity of the five hundred range by now) and walks to the threshold of the kitchen. “What exactly are you doing?”

“Baking, John; I’d have thought you could work that one out.”

He ignores the barb—it’s strange how easily he’s taken to Sherlock belittling the intelligence of others, even himself—and rephrases. “I can see that you’re baking. The question is why are you baking?”

“Because there won’t be any scones at Christmas.”

“It’s the middle of October.”

“Which leaves nearly ten weeks to work out the recipe. He’s hidden it all these years.”

“Wait—this is something to do with Mycroft?” He names the only man he knows likely to show up at a Holmes family dinner. “Mycroft has a scone recipe you’re desperate to get at?”

“Really, John, try to keep up,” Sherlock intones, seemingly aggravated at how long it’s taking John to catch on, though John’s fairly certain he has a right to be confounded. “Every year at Christmas, Mycroft brings his scones. He’s decided it’s best not to this year, given his diet. This means, of course, that I have the opportunity this year, pleasing Mummy and therefore ending the feud.”

“The two of you arguing over a scones recipe is what upset her?”

“She insists we’re being childish. That either he should give me the recipe or I should find my own, if Mycroft refuses. She never said I couldn’t try and work it out myself.”

The manic glint in his flatmate’s eye is… well, unsettling, to say the least, and damned creepy, to say the most. John backs away a step, before asking, “And the apron?”

“Mrs. Hudson’s.” 

John nods, before taking another step back, and then another, until he finds his way to the chair and sits, pushing the Union Jack cushion aside. When he’s sure Sherlock is too absorbed in the baking to look up, he snaps a picture with his phone and sends it to Mycroft, adding below it, Current kitchen situation. Please advise. 

He receives a text back in less than two minutes. 

Trying to work out the scones recipe, undoubtedly.
MH 

Yes. 

He can go into practically any store if he’d like to find it. They’re from Tesco. Premade.
MH

John finds himself smirking. He doesn’t reply, but gets another text from Mycroft a minute or two later.

You’re not going to tell him, are you?
MH

John glances back at the kitchen, where Sherlock stands kneading dough, then back to his phone, where he has a picture of the world’s only consulting detective in a pink frilly apron.

No. I think the lot down at the Yard will get a good laugh out of this.

Comments

( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
kristenthelia
Mar. 2nd, 2011 01:58 am (UTC)
For your first foray into humor, I thought this was pretty good! Especially the twist at the end, having the scones be pre-made. I enjoy the thought of Mycroft and John teaming up against Sherlock occasionally, if only to frustrate him.

Great job!
haveloved
Mar. 2nd, 2011 02:11 am (UTC)
Thank you! My first Sherlock fic (actual S/J slash) was fairly humorous as well, but these are about the only two of mine that are, so I'm never sure if they work! :) Heh, I couldn't resist the thought of the two of them torturing him for a bit. After all, John's the one getting free scones out of the deal!
kristenthelia
Mar. 2nd, 2011 02:19 am (UTC)
Mmmm... scones. John is very lucky if they turn out well! Can you tell I'm hungry?
goldvermilion87
Mar. 2nd, 2011 05:16 am (UTC)
*snrk*

John and Mycroft should team up more often. :-)

This made me giggle.
summerfall86
Mar. 2nd, 2011 06:13 am (UTC)
This made me smile. I love the ending (what with the scones being pre-made and John's plan to amuse the Yard); also the fact that it is their arguing over a scones recipe that upsets Mummy... hehehe.

Just want to point out that it's 'Stamford' not 'Stanford'. Possible slip of the finger?
haveloved
Mar. 2nd, 2011 06:29 am (UTC)
Ahh, thanks for that. I should have fact-checked myself; I figured I probably had it wrong! It will be fixed.

Heh, I kind of wanted the feud between the two of them to have the silliest origin possible. Mummy just wants peace and goodwill towards all recipes.
ladygray99
Mar. 2nd, 2011 07:43 am (UTC)
HA!!!

I think so many of us are guilty of the 'home made' instant dessert. I can just imagine Sherlock's fury when he works out just what Mycroft's secret is
ktbean
Mar. 2nd, 2011 08:26 am (UTC)
Oh tricky tricky Mycroft.
derry667
Mar. 2nd, 2011 09:22 am (UTC)
Wonderful on so many levels! From the fact that it was feud about scones that upset Mummy to Mycroft's dastardly secret at the end. With bonus John taking photos of a detective in a frilly pink apron to send to the Yard. I love it all.
lbmisscharlie
Mar. 2nd, 2011 12:07 pm (UTC)
haha, oh Mycroft, you evil bastard. I love that John takes any opportunity for blackmail/revenge on Sherlock.
lawless523
Mar. 2nd, 2011 01:29 pm (UTC)
This killed me ded. Sherlock, slaving to figure out the recipe for store-bought scones. John taking a picture to show to the people at the Yard. And scones being the origin of Mummy's upset. Priceless!
humantales
Mar. 2nd, 2011 05:58 pm (UTC)
And John will sneak and bring "Mycroft's" to Christmas dinner, but everyone will agree that Sherlock's are tons better.

Thanks for the smile.
c0ntrarywise
Mar. 2nd, 2011 08:20 pm (UTC)
Lol, for humour being a foreign concept to your writing, you wield it well :D

Sherlock's manic expression and the text exchange were fantastic :)
obsessionality
Mar. 3rd, 2011 09:04 am (UTC)
*giggle* This was so much fun to read! I'd love to see further reactions!
the0neru
Mar. 3rd, 2011 07:36 pm (UTC)
Lovely! I'd quote favorite bits, but that would be most of the story. Also I now have a mental picture of Sherlock in Mrs Hudson's apron stuck in my head. :D
donutsweeper
Mar. 4th, 2011 04:52 am (UTC)
This is utterly hysterical, I love it
random_nexus
Apr. 2nd, 2011 08:18 pm (UTC)
I love this. *grinnnnnnnn*
cat_13145
Apr. 6th, 2012 07:14 pm (UTC)
Tesco scones are evil, but this is not. Great fic.
haveloved
Apr. 6th, 2012 09:20 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :) Glad you enjoyed it!
edainwen
Jun. 21st, 2015 05:40 pm (UTC)
hell i come YEARS LATE and this is just so great hahaha make me laught at the image. thanks for the fic and even more thanks for keep it here so many years -(^ v ^)-♥
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )

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