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Title: Mad Girl's Love Song [AU]
Fandom: Doctor Who
Pairing: Amy/Rory
Word Count: 1,175
Rating: T
Warnings: Deals with mental illness.
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em! I just play in the sandbox. "Mad Girl's Love Song" is entirely Sylvia Plath's.
Summary: Mad, impossible Amelia Pond, always waiting for the Doctor, a man who will never come, a man who exists only in her imagination.
Notes: A fill for the comment_fic prompt about the Doctor really being a figment of Amy's imagination.



"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

- Sylvia Plath
 
“How is she today?” he asks Kate, the nurse he is relieving, and she sighs, shaking her head.

“Worse, it looks like. She’s awake, but she won’t open her eyes. Something about angels. Keeps going on about the crack in her wall, too. Might have to talk to Dr. Song about upping her dosage.”

Rory scrubs at his brow with his hands, sighing as well. “Was afraid of that. Did her aunt stop by at all?”

“Not today. We’d best stop relying on that woman; she never shows. Poor kid, all alone in the world.” Kate shrugs. “She quite likes you, though. Calls you her boyfriend."

“Yes, well, the administration would have something to say about that. Chart?”

Kate hands him Pond’s chart and wishes him luck, and he takes a moment to collect himself before stepping into Pond’s room.

“And how are we today, Amelia?” he asks, giving her a kind smile he knows she won’t see, given that her eyes are closed, as he goes to sit by the side of her bed. He used to have other patients, but these days, the staff are willing to look the other way if he spends a few hours with Amelia. He’s the only one she’ll listen to, the only one with enough patience. “Kate says you won’t open your eyes. Want to tell me why?”

Amelia turns her head on the pillow to face him, though she keeps her eyes closed. “I asked you to call me Amy. Amelia is a little kid’s name.”

“I think it’s a nice name.”

“He did, too,” Amelia mumbles under her breath.

“You didn’t answer me before, Amy. What’s this about not opening your eyes?”

“He told me I couldn’t. There’s an angel in my brain. He said it would get out if I opened my eyes, so I have to keep them closed.”

“Who said that to you, Amy?”

“The Doctor.”

“Amy,” he says gently, but wearily, because they perform this dance each day, a dance of enabling and lies and reassurances. “We’ve been through this, haven’t we? The Doctor isn’t real. Remember, we asked your aunt Sharon if she’d ever seen a big blue box in the garden? She said she hadn’t.”

“She wasn’t there. She wouldn’t know.”

“But if this Doctor was real, Amy, wouldn’t someone have seen him?”

You’ve seen him. Remember Prisoner Zero? The coma patients?”

“I don’t work with coma patients, Amy,” he reminds her patiently. “I work here in the psychiatric ward.”

“Doctor Song, then,” Amy says, and she finally cracks her eyes open.

“You’ve opened your eyes! See, no angels, Amy. You’re safe.”

“No. No, they’re here, they’ve got to be. Ask Dr. Song. She’ll tell you.”

Her hand scrabbles to find Rory’s, squeezing it once she’s grasped it. It always surprises him when she touches him; her grip is stronger than he would have thought. “Please, Rory.”

He gets up and goes into the hall, paging Dr. Song. She steps out of the elevator three minutes later, checking her watch and then striding to Rory, looking impatient. “What is it, Williams? I’ve got a consult in ten minutes; if this can wait—”

“It’s Amelia Pond, Doctor. She wants to see you.”

Song’s stern manner cracks some, and she sighs. “Still insisting about the Doctor, then?”

“As ever. Kate thinks we should up her medication.”

“Might have to, if she keeps on like this.” Song sighs, then nods her head towards the room and walks behind him as they go inside.

“Here she is, Amy. Want to tell Doctor Song about the angels?”

“Hello, sweetie,” Dr. Song says kindly, sitting in the chair Rory had vacated earlier. “What angels?”

“The Weeping Angels,” Amy says, frustrated, her brown eyes locked on Dr. Song’s, as if beseeching her to listen. “You were there. You heard the Doctor say it. That which holds the image of an angel becomes itself an angel.”

“But that’s impossible, Amy. A picture can’t become an angel any more than that water pitcher can turn into a bat and fly away,” Dr. Song says, nodding to the pitcher on Amy’s nightstand. “What you’re saying isn’t possible, dear. That’s what Nurse Williams has been trying to tell you.”

He wouldn’t say that. The Doctor would believe me. Why don’t you, Dr. Song? You were there. You saw them.”

Dr. Song checks her watch again, then pats Amy’s hand. “I’m sorry, Amy, but I have to go see another patient. I can come back later and we can talk more, all right?”

“Will you listen then, about the Angels?” Amy asks, desperation tingeing her voice. “Will you help me stop them?”

“There’s no such thing as angels, Amy. Nurse Williams can show you that. Okay? I’ll see you later, Amy.”

She nods to Rory, who nods back, and takes her leave. Rory once again sits in his chair. “Should we start where we left off yesterday, then?” he says, reaching for the book on Amy’s nightstand. Perhaps if he changes the subject, she won’t dwell on the Angels. He picks up the book—The Story of Roman Britain, a children’s book, one of the few things her Aunt Sharon had said she’d insisted on bringing. “I think we were up to what they wore, sandals and all that…”

Amy’s gaze has shifted to the crack in the wall above her headboard, and when he looks up from the page to see if she’s listening, she is staring at it. “I thought you said you’d asked someone to fix the crack in my wall,” she says, and there’s a bit of an accusation in her tone.

“I’ll ask him again. Don’t you want to hear about the Romans?” He holds up the book until she turns to look at it.

“Yeah,” she says quietly, almost childlike. “Hey, Rory?”

“Yes, Amy?”

She draws her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. “Could you stay here tonight?”

“I’m on call tonight. I should be able to. Why?”

“I’m scared of the Angels,” she says faintly. “Could you keep me safe?”

The utter trust in her voice breaks his heart.

He puts his hand on her shoulder, gently, giving her the smallest of smiles. “You bet. You’ll be safer if I stay.”

She nods, and they spend the rest of the day reading about the Romans. Amy falls asleep that night, having not mentioned the Angels the rest of the day, and he finds that he doesn’t want to move from her bedside just yet.

He reaches out to smooth a lock of hair back behind her ear, watching her sleep. Amelia Pond, such a child inside.

Mad, impossible Amelia Pond, always waiting for the Doctor, a man who will never come, a man who exists only in her imagination.

“Oh, Amy,” he sighs softly. “What has he done to you?”

Comments

( 37 comments — Leave a comment )
meteorfire
Jun. 20th, 2011 01:01 am (UTC)
I don't mind that you threw in Rory and River at all. :)

Thanks for writing this. :) Oh, poor Amy. I like how you integrated 'reality' in with the adventures, such as Amy refusing to open her eyes because of the angels. It broke my heart when Amy asked Rory to stay behind to keep her safe from the angels--and the reading from The Story of Roman Britain! <3

I can't but wonder how other episodes, such as Cold Blood or Amy's Choice would be interpreted about the hospital staff--I think Rory would have something to say about how he keeps dying in Amy's fantasy.
haveloved
Jun. 20th, 2011 01:15 am (UTC)
So glad you enjoyed this! It's a bit rough, I know; I kind of jumped in with both feet.

I kind of want to do more with this idea, actually, because like you said, there's a lot that could be explored in regards to the other episodes. I actually have an intense interest in exploring just what the Doctor did to Amy's mental state (her abandonment issues, for one) anyway, so writing something like this was definitely right up my alley.

Thank you for the prompt! It's definitely got me thinking and has given me fuel for the future. :)
(no subject) - eclecticmuse - Jun. 20th, 2011 05:08 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - haveloved - Jun. 20th, 2011 05:12 am (UTC) - Expand
gwaithgweneth
Jun. 20th, 2011 02:52 am (UTC)
O.O

Heart broken. Internets yours.

That is all I have to say on the subject.
haveloved
Jun. 20th, 2011 03:14 am (UTC)
Aww, thanks! Sorry about the sadness, though. *hugs*
dramaturgy
Jun. 20th, 2011 04:55 am (UTC)
Ahhhh I saw this and almost picked it up but this is way better than anything that was going to come out of my brain. Poor Amy. <33333
haveloved
Jun. 20th, 2011 05:05 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D Really glad you liked it. You could always take a crack at it yourself still; it's always interesting to see different interpretations!
stars_fell
Jun. 20th, 2011 05:17 am (UTC)
A;SLDJFH;ASDJGH;ASLDHG DIS FIC.

BRB CRYING
haveloved
Jun. 20th, 2011 04:03 pm (UTC)
Ahhh I hate when I make people cry! I know that's supposed to be a good thing but it makes me feel bad! *hugs* Thank you!
arliddian
Jun. 20th, 2011 08:25 am (UTC)
Aaaah, this is so beautiful and so sad. You wrote it really well - there's so much within this little story. I love how you wove in aspects of the episodes. It all rang very true.
haveloved
Jun. 20th, 2011 04:05 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I liked exploring with this one, because I've always held firm about there being a really uncomfortable aspect of the Doctor's relationship with Amy, since he left her with massive abandonment issues. It's just sad that if he really wasn't real, or if she couldn't prove it and he'd never come back, Amy would just be looked at as delusional.
wander_realtai
Jun. 20th, 2011 04:55 pm (UTC)
Chilling and very well written =)
haveloved
Jun. 20th, 2011 10:25 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
sleepscribbling
Jun. 20th, 2011 09:30 pm (UTC)
This is wonderful. The idea that the Doctor is only in Amy's mind is just too sad, but it's also strangely appropriate. He left a huge impact on her child as just an imaginary friend, and if it turned out that was all he ever was, and he still came back - yeah, I could see her ending up like this. (And everything about the Weeping Angels story sounds insane out of context, of course.) Rory and River were both great here. And I loved the Plath at the beginning, very fitting.
haveloved
Jun. 20th, 2011 10:28 pm (UTC)
The Plath poem has been in my head for years, ever since I first read The Bell Jar! I've wanted to use it as an epigraph for a long time but it never seemed to fit, until it was the first thing that entered my mind once I saw the prompt.

I think there's definitely a darker sort of aspect to the Doctor's relationship to Amy, as I said above. Twelve years and four psychiatrists--he damaged her more than either of them would like to admit, I'm sure. If he hadn't been real, if she'd hung onto that fantasy, the psychiatrists probably would have had something to say about that. It broke my heart a bit to write this, but I was surprised at how plausible it ended up being, as sad as it sounds.
masakochan
Jun. 21st, 2011 02:00 am (UTC)
Owww- my heart. ;_; It's almost always tragic for Amy if anyone she personally knows turns out to really be imaginary.

Though it is really an interesting idea to explore, and this fic is brilliant about doing that. It kind of coincides with my head-canon that Amy was possibly suicidal at some point in her life (in Series 5) - and fshakf basically I'd just love to see some meta on her mental health.
haveloved
Jun. 21st, 2011 02:10 am (UTC)
I think Amy definitely had a hard road when she had to wait for the Doctor. Twelve years and four psychiatrists doesn't exactly speak well to her mental state back then. I'd love to write some meta on it someday, actually; I just might if I go back and rewatch S5!

Anyway, it's not quite meta, but I do have a fic exploring just what the Doctor did to Amy's mental state, and what effect that had on Rory. It's here if you'd like a look: http://haveloved.livejournal.com/12009.html. Thanks for reading! :D
(no subject) - masakochan - Jun. 21st, 2011 02:39 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - haveloved - Jun. 21st, 2011 02:44 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - masakochan - Jun. 21st, 2011 03:10 am (UTC) - Expand
maldeluxx
Jun. 24th, 2011 10:45 am (UTC)
Hurts so deliciously *shivers* Yeah, it could go this way, too. :(
haveloved
Jun. 28th, 2011 04:08 am (UTC)
Thank you! :( It is sad to think about, isn't it? Made my heart break to write it.
captaintish
Jun. 28th, 2011 04:07 am (UTC)
Ooh, this is fascinating. I really like the premise. Lots of crossovers with our reality even if with Rory saying “You bet. You’ll be safer if I stay.”

I'd like to see more of this.
haveloved
Jun. 28th, 2011 04:11 am (UTC)
I'm definitely going to try and write more in the future; the idea is still really appealing to me, and there's definitely interest in it, judging by the response!

And yay, you caught that bit! "Will she be safer if I stay?" breaks my heart and puts it back together again somehow. He's just so amazingly faithful in "The Big Bang", and it's one of my favorite things about him, so I tried to weave that in here. Thanks so much!
thebeesnies
Jun. 30th, 2011 12:43 am (UTC)
I've read loads of fic but I have never, ever left a comment, so you should feel special. :)
I'm with the other commenters who said you should continue this. Pretty please? It's a fascinating idea. And well-executed.
haveloved
Jun. 30th, 2011 05:08 am (UTC)
I'm so flattered! I will most definitely continue it in the future, since I've gotten such a response and so many appeals for more. I've got a few other WIPs that I'm focusing on, but sometime soon I'll try and write a followup. Thank you! :D
kilodalton
Jul. 10th, 2011 03:57 am (UTC)
Ahhhhh awesome!! Can't believe I missed this when you posted - I totally see what you mean, and I love how you tied the theme from BE into this! It works perfectly! =D



“I’m scared of the Angels,” she says faintly. “Could you keep me safe?”

The utter trust in her voice breaks his heart.


This is lovely!
haveloved
Jul. 10th, 2011 04:59 am (UTC)
Thanks so much! It was a twisted sort of fun, trying to figure out where everyone would fit in Amy's life in a scenario like this.

I'm glad people picked up on that line--it was an effort to write Amy in this one, but I tried to evoke that image of Amy still being a child inside, just like Prisoner Zero says. Plus it gave me an excuse to work in "Will she be safer if I stay? Look me in the eye and tell me she wouldn't be safer." theme from "The Big Bang"!
(no subject) - kilodalton - Jul. 10th, 2011 08:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - haveloved - Jul. 10th, 2011 08:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
samueljames
Jul. 12th, 2011 10:06 pm (UTC)
Beautiful but heartbreaking story. I like the way you intertwined canon events with Amy's life and how even here she trusts Rory.
haveloved
Jul. 12th, 2011 10:26 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much; I'm glad you liked it!
theeverdream
Aug. 24th, 2011 10:56 am (UTC)
I... you... this.....

Mmrgf?

<3
haveloved
Aug. 24th, 2011 01:29 pm (UTC)
So glad you enjoyed; thank you! :)
vampedvixen
Sep. 16th, 2011 09:11 pm (UTC)
I love this.. so so sad! Wish the Doctor would come and fix her all up again.
haveloved
Oct. 2nd, 2011 08:19 am (UTC)
Thank you!
( 37 comments — Leave a comment )

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